i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
