I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
