So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
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Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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