dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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