just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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