Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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