forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
