my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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