tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
