We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
