I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
