hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
