she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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