just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
