went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
