dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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