I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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