it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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