Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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