Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
