I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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