I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
