My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
