Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
