called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
