trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
