I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
