i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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