saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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