My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up under a house in Key West
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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