have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
