i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
