I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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