i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I died a long time ago.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
