More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
