Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
