So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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