You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
