The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
