I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
