I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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