He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just blew my weed a kiss
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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