I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
