i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
