I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
