I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
