I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
