I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
