i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
