happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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