i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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