Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
