News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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