I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
