I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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