Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
